Rachel Breaks the Rules and Lucy Is Totally Gay
by FerryBerry
Summary: Crack!fic. S2. By definition, the crackiest crack drabble that ever cracked. And in case you couldn't read that for some reason: CRACK!FIC.


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All belongs to _Glee_ writers and creators.

**Rachel Breaks the Rules (and Lucy Is Totally Gay)**

"All right, this week's assignment is—"

"Sorry I'm late, everyone! You wouldn't _believe_ how difficult it is to get to glee club on real time. I actually had Biology just now and—"

"Rachel." Finn's eyes were as wide as saucers, which was quite an accomplishment considering how beady they normally were. "Who is that?"

Rachel hastily glanced to her right, where most of the glee clubbers were focusing their attention, and a grin instantly blossomed on her face as she linked arms with the brown-haired boy in glasses and a pi shirt next to her.

"Oh, I'm being so rude! My sincerest apologies; my head is all over the place today. Everyone, _this_ is Brian, my new boyfriend."

Jaws clanked to the floor.

Mr. Schue smiled. "Well, congratulations, Rachel—"

"Whoa, whoa. Wait." Artie eyed the boy suspiciously. "Is he in a glee club?"

Brian chuckled and Rachel shook her head. "No, I'm afraid not."

Mr. Schue's jaw joined everyone else's. "Is…is he here to join ours?"

Brian and Rachel exchanged one glance and burst into belly-shaking laughter.

"No," Rachel snorted. "He's completely tone deaf. He can't sing at all."

"It's true; I'm awful," Brian agreed, nodding.

"But…he can dance, right?" Kurt prompted.

"I have two left feet."

The glee club was in a state of shock. Santana was the only one able to come out of her stupor enough to ask, "Um…I guess that's…okay, but does he go to Carmel?"

"No."

Kurt scowled. "Dalton?"

"No."

Puck held up his hands. "Whoa. Wait. Are you saying…he goes _here_?"

Rachel's brow furrowed. "Yes."

"Oh, so he's a transfer student," Mr. Schue said, relaxing.

"No, he's gone here literally the entire time we have. Actually shorter. He's a sophomore." Rachel smiled.

Gasps echoed throughout the room.

"He's in another grade and doesn't go to another school?" Tina looked about ready to pass out from the shock.

"Yes!" Rachel confirmed, nodding happily.

"Rachel, you can't do this," Mike protested.

"Way to use up your one line on something as stupid as that," Santana scoffed.

"Random comment," Brittany said.

"What the hell is she talking about?" Mercedes asked, incredulous.

"Mike's right, Rachel. You can't date this guy," Finn said determinedly, folding his arms.

She glanced at a nonplussed Brian. "Uh…why not?"

"Because he's not in a glee club—he can't even sing, he doesn't go to any of the schools new people come from, he's not a transfer student, he's in another grade, and also only I'm allowed to date you. But only when I feel like it. Right now I'm on a finding my inner rockstar kick, so you're supposed to go pine until I'm ready for you."

Rachel was incensed. "Well, you know what? Maybe I'm sick of dating guys who sing and are in glee club. Yeah, maybe I want to date someone who isn't neck-deep in this dysfunctional drama we go through every day. Maybe I want to date someone nerdy and average like Brian, who doesn't forgo condoms to fulfill his own fantasies, and who doesn't throw raw egg on people's heads or houses, and who doesn't think he is the center of the universe, and who doesn't have one line an episode, and who doesn't hit the reset button every week! Because you know what? At least Brian has a normal name."

There were again jaws hitting the floor everywhere.

"That's right. A normal name. Not after a car, or some band that we haven't even done the music of so what even? Or a popstar that people can't decide whether to hate or ravish, or the anatomy of a fish. Or a children's book rhyme, though that reference doesn't really matter anymore since he inexplicably left the building after starting a new relationship that may have had a modicum of success, unlike his previous attempts with two clear lesbians."

"Who is she talking about?" Mercedes asked Tina, who shrugged.

"Or a character from 'A Midsummer Night's Dream', or alternately hockey equipment. _Or_ the name of a girl or guy when they're actually the opposite gender. And I'm not just talking to Jesse, Quinn."

Quinn proceeded to pout.

"Oh, don't be sad, Quinn; you wear the name quite proudly and it's so beautiful, like you." She smiled and Quinn squirmed.

Brian nudged her. "Honey, remember what we talked about."

"Oh, right, homoerotic lines and obsessive tendencies toward your female archrival do not make you seem straight. I remember now."

He smiled proudly and kissed the top of her head. "Good girl."

"You know what? Whatever, you're named after a 'Friends' character, so," Santana grumbled.

"Okay, you _know_ that was a completely random decision late in the school year and unless you come out and say Rachel Greene, it's not even recognizable. Unlike yours." Rachel glared.

"Blaine's name isn't weird," Kurt piped up. "And neither is mine."

"Yours _rhymes_ with your dad's," she said pointedly. "And Blaine? Where did that even come from? Seriously."

Kurt proceeded to pout.

…

"So, now that that's settled, I hope you can all accept my new relationship with Brian without issue and we can get on with practice." She smiled widely.

"I'll be right back." Quinn was out the door before anyone could say anything, so they all waited about five minutes until a blonde girl with a fedora, trench coat, and scarf came in and offered her hand to Rachel. "Hi, I'm Lucy."

Rachel's eyes went heart-shaped. Brian groaned.

"It's recognizable from 'Peanuts', I hope you know," he grumbled.

Brittany elbowed him and munched down faster on her popcorn as she watched the two intently. "Shhh, Luce and Rachel are my OTP."

"Seriously, what the hell?" Mercedes grumbled.

Santana glared at her. "You were obsessed with tater tots, shut up."


End file.
